peachycatsnack's About Me/Personal FAQs
Website: https://peachycatsnack.me/
I decided to write a note that focuses on FAQs!
This post is organized into three main sections:
(1) Introduction
(2) FAQs about my content pages and offerings
(3) FAQs about me/my personal life
(1) Introduction
Hi there! My name is Peachy. I'm a content creator, an anime geek, an academic nerd, a fitness enthusiast, and a total pervert. 😹 I started creating adult content part-time when I was a full-time Ph.D. student and enjoyed it a lot! I later decided to take the plunge in 2023 to try my hand at being a content creator/producer/business owner full-time. From the legal intricacies and strategic planning to the industry conferences, it has been an eventful and incredibly rewarding time so far. I feel very grateful to be on this journey.
My favorite hobbies are working out, having kinky sex/doing kinky play, and going to local kink community events. I live a very sex-positive and kink-positive lifestyle and have a passion for both consuming and creating erotic content (including live-action pornography, erotic literature, and erotic drawings/comics.) I have a bit of an anime geek background as well and am somewhat knowledgeable about gamer culture too (largely because of my gamer friends). I'm an American of Asian descent and am in my late 20s. I'm also queer (pansexual/panromantic) and ethically non-monogamous.
Here is a mission statement of sorts that explains the philosophy of my content:
To me, porn is an art form with an amazing ability to bring both mental and physical pleasure to a great number of people. I value the opportunity to publish my unique vision of erotic content. (I have also done so with my writing and my drawings.) As an exhibitionist, I want to share how I experience pleasure. I also want to showcase the outfits, poses, compositions, kinks, and fantasies that I find to be very erotic.
It is important to me to have all of my content be genuine: The masturbation sessions, the orgasms, and the partnered activities are all authentic and without acting. I will not publish content that involves feigned arousal or pleasure (e.g., faked orgasms). Of course, this limits the types of content that I can make, but I would rather be able to stay true to my artistic vision. Luckily, I have been able to find a wonderful audience that can enjoy my content as is and is willing to contribute new ideas while respecting my vision. I'm very grateful for you all. ❤️
Finally, a few fans have told me that they find my content to be transformative. This description really resonated with me, as it is important to me to not only try to make others feel happier by entertaining them through my work but also to do my best to make them feel more mentally fulfilled. Through my content and my conversations/commentary, I hope to make my fans feel more comfortable with their kinks and sexuality, to find more acceptance in their physical appearance, personal identity, and with wherever they are in life (as I find narratives like "men need a 6-pack, a big dick, and wealth to find love and be happy" not only toxic but also extremely inaccurate/divorced from reality), and to feel more empowered to pursue whatever it is that they want to pursue. 😸
(2) FAQs about my content creation work
Q: Are you on other adult content platforms in addition to OnlyFans? Which platform would be best for me?
Yes! I have my ManyVids page up and running and am continually uploading my huge backlog of videos onto it. I have been uploading select clips and video previews to Pornhub as well.
Here are the sites I have that I consider to be well-populated with content:
OnlyFans: https://onlyfans.com/peachycatsnack
ManyVids: https://peachycatsnack.manyvids.com/
Pornhub: https://www.pornhub.com/model/peachycatsnack
My Fansly page (https://fansly.com/peachycatsnack) is a work in progress, as I have started uploading concurrently to both Fansly and OF in February 2024. I am still working on uploading my older videos. But I personally prefer Fansly to OF, so if you are choosing between subscription-based platforms and don't mind the continual (and admittedly slow) uploading of my older videos, I would ask that you choose Fansly over OF.
The select videos that I have available on ManyVids are from the collection of videos that I have on my OnlyFans page. The solo videos I created post-July 2023 are free and available in their entirety on my OF, but they need to be purchased on my MV. The partnered videos (B/G, G/G, B/G/G, etc.) are priced the same on OF and MV when you take $9.99 OF subscription price into consideration: For example, the same $15 PPV video on OF would be priced as a $25 clip on MV. There are discounts and sales on both sites, but I favor giving steeper discounts and more free credits to the users on my OF.
I think my OnlyFans page provides a better deal if you are looking to consume more content, but my ManyVids page is still good for those who like the format and options of ManyVids or plan to consume less content. (Also, my subscription-based sites do not officially have download functionality while ManyVids does.) Of course, I would be especially grateful if you followed me on both. 🙈
I am working on my "free" (no-subscription) OnlyFans page as well:
https://onlyfans.com/peachycatsnackfree
The idea is to have my partnered videos be purchasable as PPVs off of my feed, which is a better alternative to purchasing PPVs from my subscription OF page if you want to use your OF account, do not want to subscribe, and/or do not want to wait for me to send the PPV videos manually through DMs as the subscription OF set-up forces me to do. 😅 The pricing of my PPV videos on my "free" OF works the same way as my MV: the same base price as my subscription OF plus $10, with variable sales.
I am also on Clips4Sale, iWantClips, and XVideos, but my video selection on those sites is not yet caught up to that of my main platforms.
For my most updated links, please check my link website:
Q: How do you choose your guest models/collaborators? Can I film with you?
The categories of people I am willing to film with are my (play) partners/friends in real life and independent creators/industry performers who can provide 2-3 professional references.
I like to film with my play partners and friends because I already know that I would genuinely enjoy sex with them due to our previous experiences (as authenticity is central to my content philosophy so I won't "fake it") and because I know they are emotionally mature, communicative, and genuine people who I can trust to handle the often underestimated pressure of filming porn.
Friends/partners aside, I only collaborate with creators/performers who can provide at least two to three professional references from established performers/creators/producers they have worked with. However, the provision of professional references is just the minimum requirement. I also need to have creative and sexual compatibility with them.
If you are a new creator/performer looking to collaborate, unfortunately, I am not able to help you with that since I am pretty strict with my requirements. The quality of my content and my authentic (sexual and creative) enjoyment are very important to me, so I am not quite willing to gamble with unknown co-performers. I know that there are creators with less stringent collab requirements though, so maybe you can get started with them to build up your portfolio. Good luck!
Q: Do you take custom requests?
Yes! But I currently only do custom transactions/requests over OnlyFans, Fansly, and ManyVids.
MV/Fansly seems to have looser content restrictions than OF, which is handy! There is a custom order form on MV, but please message me on MV about your custom request first.
Q: Can I pay you for services/content outside without using OF, Fansly, MV, etc.?
I am not yet able to offer a payment method outside of my content platforms, but I am researching payment processors now to make this available in the future. (Common payment services like Venmo and CashApp are not safe/secure enough for my comfort to be able to conduct my content creation business.)
For now, if you want to request content or a service, please message me through one of one of my content platforms.
Q: Where can I chat with you?
To chat with me in order to obtain content, services (e.g. "dick rating", me engaging with your sexual fantasies), or a private conversation, please message me on my subscription OF, Fansly, or ManyVids and include a tip! The tip can be of any amount--it is just important to include one so that your message can be flagged as important.
To chat with me about anything else (e.g. how my/your week is going), please message me in the channels of my Discord server that are accessible through the “Supporter Fan” role. The Supporter Fan role can be obtained if you are a current or former subscriber to any one of my subscription-based platforms.
I recognize that not everyone is comfortable with speaking openly about themselves in a community space, so I added functionality for anonymous comments/submissions on my server.
Q: Do you read your other social media messages or comments? Can we chat on another platform?
I have my hands full with keeping up with interactions on my subscription/clip platforms and Discord server. I do want to reply to inquiries on different platforms and try to do so when I have the time, but I cannot guarantee that I will respond or be able to respond promptly. I do try to read my social media messages and comments and reply to them when I can! I appreciate all of the interactions, even when I don't respond or get around to reading every one of them.
Q: Do you do dick ratings?
I can't rate people's dicks on a scale because I genuinely don't know what would make one person's dick better than another. I think all shapes, sizes, and colorations have their charm. One argument in favor of ranking/rating dicks I've heard is that the best dick is the one whose size and shape bring you the most pleasure when you are penetrated by it. But the reality is that everyone is different. Some vagina havers are size queens and like large insertions, some are not. Some vagina havers like being penetrated by curved dicks/dildos, some like straighter ones.
To me, receiving penis-in-vagina (PIV) sex is just one small element out of a vast variety of elements that you can combine to make sex great. I like PIV sex, but it isn't the be-all and end-all for me. (If that were the case, then I would have zero interest in having sex with people who don't have penises--which is not the case.) I do have some personal aesthetic preferences for penises and vulvas and I do have some personal preferences on the size and shape for functionality during sex. But what I want to emphasize is that my preferences are not universal, that no one's preferences are universal (despite what media/porn may try to sell you), and that I think there are many ways to have a fulfilling sexual experience regardless of the size and shape of one's genitals.
I can tell you how I feel about your genitalia over text if you send a photo or video with a tip on OF/Fansly/MV! I do think it's hot to see other people's arousal, especially if I helped cause it. 😳 You can purchase a video rating too--it would be priced like any other custom video ($10-15/minute depending on difficulty with a 5-minute minimum).
Q: Why do you film with models who are not as lean and muscular as you?
I can understand why people who follow me--who tend to prefer lean and muscular body types--might be sexually or aesthetically put off when I film with a person with more body fat. To these fans, I am sorry that you can't enjoy some of my partnered videos as much, but I hope that you can stick around for my solo content.
As I have mentioned in some other answers, body type doesn't factor into my sexual attraction to others (unless it is the case that we are unable to do the things I would like to do together). Since I want to commit to authenticity in my content, I only film with people whom I am attracted to (and ideally have sex with off-camera as well). I'm not much of an actor and am unable to--on top of not wanting to--act like I'm aroused and experiencing pleasure when I'm not.
But since body type (as well as gender, race, and other traits that have physical variations) don't seem to matter to me in terms of my sexual attraction, I think it is pretty likely that I will film with someone who has a similar body type as mine at some point. Very lean and muscular people are pretty hard to find in the wild--even in my social groups where everyone has seen each other naked at least once. 😅
Q: Can I be your mentor/manager? Will you follow my advice and feedback?
I'm always down for feedback, but I can't guarantee that I'll follow any individual's advice to a T--I prefer to collect information, tailor it to my own needs if it is useful, and then implement any changes based on that. There is no systematically predictive formula for getting big on the internet for any combination of platforms, after all.
There are correlates to "success"--such as being active on social media--but the extent to which they are useful to me in particular and the exact actions I should take are not a given either. I think one of the biggest correlates to internet success is existing at a specific point in time since the non-replicable confluence of factors such as cultural and economic trends at that instant/day/week determines the context in which any combination of strategies can be effective. In other words, it is nigh impossible for the strategies that worked to make one creator "big" to also work perfectly for another creator. But even if it were possible to model that, I'd bet that there are still other significant stochastic components.
Different individuals also have different strengths--a strategy that feels easy to another creator might be too taxing for me to sustainably implement and vice versa. I have to adjust my strategies based on what I can handle as well.
In short, I can only collect information/feedback and make guesses on what I should do based on my specific situation... 🐱
Q: Can you make anal content?
I am still getting used to receiving anal penetration in my personal life. I do not know if I will like it enough to feel comfortable with making content of it (as I have a philosophy of never faking my enjoyment in my content). But I will share updates on this topic as they come.
(3) FAQs about me/my personal life
Q: Are you single or taken? Do you have "a man"?
Neither! I have partners but am both romantically and sexually non-monogamous.
I'm also queer and have been partnered with cis and trans men, cis and trans women, and non-binary folks. 🙂
Q: How did you get into making porn/running an OnlyFans page?
I have always wanted to create porn! I think my interest in it has to do with my exhibitionism kink (e.g., I've always filmed myself masturbating for the purpose of getting off), my love for creating erotic content (including via drawing and creative writing), the fact that sex and kink are big parts of my life and are major hobbies of mine, and my desire to be able to make an impact on many people's lives in a creative, entertaining, and uplifting way. I still want a more traditional career in addition to that so I'm still figuring out how to balance those things. I do feel fortunate to be able to enjoy many pursuits though!
Despite my long-standing interest in making adult content, I didn't think it was possible for me to actually be a porn creator until mid-2020. During then, I learned about platforms like OnlyFans that would allow me to be able to produce and direct my own content. I had previously thought about starting off by performing in studio porn--but you get very little say in the stuff you perform in, especially if you're a rookie. I have very specific visions for what I want to create and I don't want to model or perform in scenes that I don't personally find enjoyable.
I mulled it over for about a year and finally decided to try doing OnlyFans work in late 2021. Part of the tipping point was that getting by as a grad student with a low monthly stipend and TA wages is really tough where I live. We aren't allowed to live in cheap student housing for that long either and market-rate rent seemed very daunting. Fortunately, running an OnlyFans page has helped me be more secure financially.
After running my OnlyFans page for a while and learning more about the independent online adult content creation industry, I recently realized that I do want to do something that is more porn career-focused than just running an Onlyfans page—since I have aspirations beyond just being able to earn money from near-anonymous online adult content accounts. I have a dream of having a bigger voice in the adult entertainment industry (and maybe even outside of that). I feel like I have somewhat of a unique perspective, given my non-mainstream lifestyle (in which kink and ethical non-monogamy are very central) and intersectional lived experiences. I would like to share my perspective through my work, but I am still figuring out how to go about that haha.
In addition to what I've mentioned above, I think some of the best parts of having an adult content pages for me are having an audience that is guaranteed to be sexually interested in me (which is essential for my exhibitionism kink to work), being able to support myself financially by doing something that I love, and being able to chat with many people from all walks of life who also happen to be sexually interested in me (since I love learning about different people's life experiences)!
Q: Do you prefer men or women?
I don’t think I have a preference overall (i.e., I'm pansexual), but sometimes I am in the mood for particular features (like boobs, dicks, feminine looks, etc.) that are far more common in one gender. My mood changes often in this regard though!
Q: What are your hobbies?
In my free time, I like having sex/doing kinky play (which includes sometimes filming those activities), strength training, doing gel nail art, drawing (mostly erotica), writing creatively, playing with my cat, hanging out with my friends, attending kink/sex parties and kink socials, reading journalistic and research articles, watching anime, reading manga/comics, playing video games, enjoying fashion, and watching YouTube videos. I used to practice kendo too but I haven’t done it lately…
Q: How old are you?
I'm in my late 20s!
Q: What are your kinks?
My biggest kink is exhibitionism! The kind of exhibitionism that I am into involves showing my private parts to those who don’t expect it (and in places where I’m not supposed to do so) and turning people on with my antics. 🙈 I believe the practice of kink should be ethical and as safe as possible, so I would never act out this type of fantasy in a public setting (since it isn't feasible to get every random person's consent and to monitor and enforce whether we respect each other's boundaries). Filming my naked body in private and sharing it online is my main outlet for my exhibitionism.
I’m also into pet play (where I roleplay as a cat), primal play, and BDSM (especially the D/s and SM aspects). I’m a true switch in the top/bottom sense and a dominant-leaning switch in the D/s sense. I'm also into myriad other things such as scents, nipples (since I have a nipple fetish), free use, and various kinds of edge play (which I won't describe in detail here). While I’m unable to ethically and safely do exhibitionist play in real life, I do get to practice other varieties of kinky play with many lovely folks that I’ve met in my local kink communities. I practice Risk-Aware Consensual Kink (RACK)!
Q: Where do you live? Where are you from?
I live in and am from the US!
I do not provide any more specific information to individuals I know only from the internet--sorry about that! ><
Q: What are your height and weight?
I’m 5’ tall and I usually weigh between 100 and 110 lb. A hydrostatic body fat test I had in mid-2023 said that my body fat percentage was 10.1%. 🙀
Q: What is your ethnic background?
I am mostly of Chinese descent. But I was born and raised in the US and am culturally American.
Q: How do you get so wet? Are you always wet?
Exhibitionism is my biggest kink so showing off my naughty parts—especially in front of a camera—gets me wet pretty easily. Showing off my body is more effective for turning me on than any jerk-off material. Even before I started my OF and Reddit pages, I would record my masturbation sessions to get myself off.
I'm not always wet, but I usually get pretty turned on from being on camera, so it looks like I'm always wet haha.
As to why I can produce more pussy juice than most people seem to expect, I don’t really know. 🙈
Q: How horny are you?
Horny enough to fantasize about sex and/or kink at least every 30 minutes to an hour… Even when I am not physically horny, I enjoy horny thoughts. I think I just really appreciate sexuality. I only masturbate 1-2 times a day, but if I could do it more, I probably would. 🙈
I am also just very motivated by sex and kink in general. Like, more than anything, my sexual inspirations are what make me want to draw and write. And I generally prioritize kinky play dates over other kinds of hang outs.
Q: Are you mixed race? Is your eye color natural?
I'm fully Asian! My natural eye color is dark brown, but I wear colored contacts. I am nearsighted and prefer wearing contacts to glasses. I think colored contacts are more fun than clear ones! You might notice me wearing different colors/styles of colored contacts. You might see me wearing glasses sometimes too.
Q: What is your type? (Would you date/have sex with someone who isn't "fit"? Would you date/have sex with someone who has a "small dick"? Would you date/have sex with a person of [X] race?)
I've noticed that whether I'm attracted to a person tends to be based 70% on their mind, 20% on their face, and 10% on other factors.
I find benevolent, compassionate, empathetic, communicative, and non-judgmental personalities attractive. I tend to be into people who are deeply kinky and sexually promiscuous. I find people who have and are very dedicated to a wide range of hobbies/interests (especially "nerdy" ones) attractive. I'm also a fan of cute, pretty, and/or handsome faces. It is possible for me to be attracted to a person whose face doesn't fall into the range of what I would typically consider to be cute/pretty/handsome, but it is not possible for me to be attracted to a person whose personality doesn't fall into the range of what I consider to be attractive in personalities.
I don't care about the person's occupation (as long as they're not doing harm to others or themselves). Whether they are wealthy doesn't have anything to do with me (aside from whether they can cover for themselves on dates). I do not like it when people try to offer money/gifts to win my favor.
I can find chubby or skinny bodies as hot as "fit" ones. Whether I find the person's body hot depends on how attractive I find the person to be overall.
My preferences for my own body aren't related to my preferences for other people's bodies. I like being strong and being good at bodyweight exercises. But it doesn't matter to me if my partners are strong and good at bodyweight exercises, if they are also muscular, if they are lean, etc.
I do not care about dick size. Please see the dick rating question and answer for how I feel about that. Also, if I only wanted to have sex/date people with "big dicks," then (cis) women would be off the table entirely--which is not the case.
I don't have any racial preferences. I don't believe there are inherent differences across people of different races since racial categories aren't scientifically valid and are, by definition, socially constructed according to specific historical contexts (and thus hold less assumed meaning the farther we get from those contexts). I do think that those socially constructed differences--especially in terms of how privilege and cultural experiences shape our lives--are real and can have significant impacts on people's lives. But I don't think any subset of race-generated social experiences would necessarily preclude a person from my finding them attractive or make them particularly attractive to me.
In general, I think it is valid to prefer physical features that are more common among people of particular ethnic backgrounds. But predicting your attraction to specific people based on information about their race/ethnicity alone is not only a belief that reifies racism but also a logical fallacy.
Q: You like bigger dicks better, right?
The idea that bigger dicks are necessarily better for pleasure is a myth--the vagina isn't an endless tunnel that just wants bigger and bigger things inserted in it. The main pleasure spots of the vagina are the G-spot, which is about 2-3 inches in, and the A-spot, which is about 4-5 inches in. If you know how to stimulate either of those spots, then you are fine in terms of providing pleasure. The vagina has an end--the cervix--that is 4-8 inches in when fully aroused (and 2-4 inches in when unaroused). It is painful and unpleasant to have the cervix prodded. Personally, I can get painful cramps that last for several days. People with larger penises who know how to pleasure their sexual partners with vaginas are aware that they likely cannot actually insert their penises fully inside all (or even most) vaginas. Trying to fully insert your 8-inch penis into someone who has a vagina that is 4 inches long at the maximum is guaranteed to hurt them.
Personally, I find that I am able to accommodate larger penises if the insertion process is very gradual--you will not see that in my content, since it will be something like just 5 minutes of me and the other person being completely still as my body adjusts. 😅 But if I have penetrative sex with someone with a very large penis, I will get sorer faster (and won't be able to have penetrative vaginal sex for as long) and will require more breaks. I may not be able to have sex for a few days afterward. If my cervix gets prodded, I also get painful cramps for several days afterward. But this is not to say that I would never have sex with someone with a very large penis. As I mentioned in an earlier paragraph, penis-in-vagina penetration is a very small part of what I enjoy about sex. I would even say it hardly factors into whether I would want to have a sexual encounter with another individual--I can be very sexually interested in someone even if they don't have a penis. And I have had plenty of play/sexual partners with larger penises who know how to be careful with vaginas (such as by not prodding the cervix)--it can definitely be done.
To reiterate what I said in an answer to a previous question about dick ratings: I do have some personal aesthetic preferences for penises and vulvas and I do have some personal preferences on the size and shape for functionality during sex. But what I want to emphasize is that my preferences are not universal, that no one's preferences are universal (despite what media/porn may try to sell you), and that I think there are many ways to have a fulfilling sexual experience regardless of the size and shape of one's genitals. The size, shape, look, or even type of your genitals is not a qualifying or disqualifying factor as a potential sexual partner of mine.
Q: Would it be possible to get together in person?
It would not be possible, sorry! 😣 I have a policy of not meeting with people I know only from the internet in real life. I know you probably have only benign intentions. But even if 99%+ of the people who want to meet with me were to have only benign intentions and would respect my boundaries, the <1% risk of meeting someone with malicious intentions is severe enough for me to not want to entertain the prospect of real-life meet-ups at all. It is nothing personal. The nature of our online interactions is such that it is impossible for me to ascertain your true intentions and for me to enforce your promises. And if I were to make an exception for one person, it would be unfair to everyone else. (And of course, this goes both ways: If anyone you know only from the internet wants to meet with you, please think about it carefully.)
Q: Do you watch porn?
I do! Well, I read half of my porn too. I enjoy both NSFW doujinshi (kind of like indie comics) and live-action porn. I’ve subscribed to/am a patron of a few NFSW creators myself. I like supporting people who work hard to make the content that I love! I also like masturbating to my own porn since I do make one of the kinds of content that I like to consume.
Q: How do you like to masturbate?
I like to stimulate my clit with my fingers or a vibrator and rub my very sensitive nipples… 🙈
Q: Do you like having your clit sucked?
Yes!! I love it. It's my favorite thing about receiving oral... 🤤
Q: Do you squirt?
I've never squirted! I don't feel compelled to make an effort to try though. I've heard that most people need intense g-spot stimulation to squirt and I'm not a fan of being stimulated a lot there. 🙈 (I think being penetrated feels good to me because of A-spot stimulation). It's fine if I eventually squirt and also fine if I don't!
Q: Are you a trans woman?
Trans women are lovely, but I am not one of them. 🙈 I was born with "female parts."
Q: What are your favorite anime/manga? Favorite video games?
My favorite anime/manga are Hunter x Hunter, Evangelion, Chainsaw Man, Fire Punch, Land of the Lustrous, Mob Psycho 100, and Hourou Musuko. In general, I favor anime/manga with good writing (especially character writing) and unique themes.
My favorite video game is Persona 5 (Royal)!
Q: How long have you been strength training/fitness and what is your workout routine? What exercises do you do? What are your fitness goals?
I have been strength training with weights and bodyweight exercises since May 2017. I have been tracking my nutritional intake with MyFitnessPal since around then as well.
I currently do an upper-body/lower-body/core split and work out around 4 days a week. These are the exercises I’m currently doing:
Upper-body day:
Barbell bench press (or dumbbell bench press)
Dumbbell overhead press
Dumbbell rows (or any other kind of row)
Pull-ups or dips
(Optional: Bicep curls or tricep extensions)
Lower-body day:
Barbells squats
Barbell Romanian deadlifts
Barbell hip thrusts
Dumbbell Bulgarian split squats
Core day:
Weighted crunches or bar crunches
Hanging leg raises or toes to bar
Around the world (with extended legs) or hanging oblique leg raises
I also occasionally substitute these exercises for purely calisthenics exercises (e.g. doing push-up variations and planche progressions for a push day instead of the above push-day exercises), but I have not been doing so regularly as of late. I do still really want to learn to planche, do one-arm pull-ups, do one-arm push-ups, get better at pistol squats, etc. though!
In terms of goals, I just want to keep getting stronger and become as strong as I possibly can be! Both the amount of absolute weight that I can lift and my proficiency in bodyweight exercises are important to me.
Q: What is your diet? How can I be as lean as you?
Nutrition-wise, I just try to hit my daily macronutrient, micronutrient requirements, and caloric requirements! I can eat anything as long as I meet those requirements.
I use MyFitnessPal to track what I eat. (Luckily, it isn't too hard to track my foods because I'm too lazy to eat a wide variety of foods regularly 🙈). I customized the protein goal to be 0.8 grams of protein/1 lb of body weight since I do need more protein to maintain and build muscle, but I use the default micronutrient and macronutrient settings in MyFitnessPal otherwise. I can eyeball most of my servings because I've tracked nutrition for a long time, but if you are just starting out, I'd recommend getting a food scale.
You can use this calculator (as well as trial and error) to estimate your total daily energy expenditure (TDEE), which is the number of calories you use in a day at your current weight/body composition: https://tdeecalculator.net/ If you are just starting out, I would select the "sedentary" option and calculate the calories you expend during movement or exercise separately to have a more accurate estimate.
If I notice myself getting too chubby for my liking, I just reduce my caloric intake by a little (usually by around 15% of my TDEE)--just enough so I don't get too hungry--until I get to where I want. If you want to lose weight, I would recommend that you do similarly!
Q: How do I join and participate in real-life kink communities?
There are kink communities pretty much everywhere in the US. The bigger the city you are in, the bigger and more numerous the kink communities. (I am not familiar with the kink scenes in other countries, but I have heard that it is similar in Europe.) You can search for events by location on Fetlife and Plura. I'd start with attending the munches--which are purely SFW social gatherings. Maybe after a few weeks or months of attending social events and making friends, I'd recommend that you try to attend the play parties. IMO, play parties aren't really fun without friends!
You probably won't get any play during your first several play parties, but play parties are good places to deepen your connections with other kinksters and the community as a whole. Over time, as you build rapport with community members, people will start to seek you out for play and will be receptive to you asking for play with them. It's a slow process but I would highly recommend it if you think would fit in. Becoming part of my local kink community was the first time that I felt like I was surrounded by people who are like and understand me--and it's a good feeling!
Please keep in mind that it is important to learn and follow the rules and culture of whatever community you are interested in joining. Kink community members are very protective of each other and tread carefully with newcomers--for good reason. You do have to demonstrate that your behavior and values align with what is expected from the community.
Q: Are the doms (or subs) I meet online legitimate?
Personally, I am skeptical of self-proclaimed doms/dommes who have an online presence but lack connections to any real-life communities because (1) it does take a lot of experience and training--especially with a wide variety of play partners--to be a very good and safe dominant/top/bottom/sub/(whatever your role is) and (2) safety is paramount in kink and you should have positive from real, credible people about your potential play partner before you attempt any play with them. People can get assaulted, injured, or worse in kink scenes--often because someone is inexperienced in riskier play but does it anyway and/or negligent in how to safely practice kink. It is also not unheard of for people to legally wrongfully accuse their play partner of assault. Make sure that you can trust and be safe with the individual you are playing with.
Of course, my experience with kink is limited to my participation in local communities. I know many people practice kink privately and would rather not get involved with the larger community--which is very valid. But it is much more difficult to learn kinky play on your own, especially since there is an important set of best practices that is usually not made available outside of real-life communities. I think kinksters of any experience level would benefit from classes--many of which are online.
Q: Are you a swinger?
I am pretty sexually open, but I don't find myself fitting into the swinger lifestyle/swinger parties that well due to my being queer and polyamorous... Even though swingers are sexually non-monogamous, their culture is more monogamous in the relationships themselves and very heteronormative. For example, if I want to go to a swinger event, I am expected to bring a man with me (even though I prefer to play on my own) or I have to sign up as a "single woman" (even though I am polyamorous and have partners). Like, the expected "unit" for one to present oneself in at a swinger party is as a sexually non-monogamous* (*under certain conditions only), romantically monogamous, heterosexual couple. "Single women" are considered accessories/secondary to those units (which is why the term "unicorn" exists). The terminology in swinger culture (such as distinguishing between a "half swap" and a "full swap") is also very much based on heterosexual and monogamous norms... Also, it tends to be socially acceptable for women to play with other women but not socially acceptable for men to play with other men--which very is bizarre to me as my own sexual social circles tend to be genuinely queer or at least open to whatever sexual preferences other people may have. It just all tends to be very unrelatable to me since the way I experience and view my sexuality and relationships is just rather different.
This is not to say that I don't ever go to swinger parties. When I do go, I go in expecting people to assume things about me that are inaccurate (and IMO often weird) or expect things of me that are unintuitive (such as needing to ask "the man" in each heterosexual couple unit for permission). (I have had swingers try to search for my non-existent "man" before. 😅) To be clear, I don't think all swinger parties will put me through these misunderstandings and cultural incongruities--but that kind of experience has been more common than not for me. So it is just kind of hard for me to feel connected to the swinger community.
Q: I want to experience having intimate relationships with others but am afraid of being hurt/rejected. do you have any advice for me?
Mmm, the way I think about emotionally intimate relationships (including friendships and partnerships) is that being deeply hurt at some point--or rather, likely at several points--is inevitable. The pain you could potentially wind up feeling because of another person is just the other side of the coin to you caring about the other person a lot and them bringing a lot to your life.
To wind up in a successful intimate relationship with zero painful conflict on the first try, you have the extraordinary luck of being incredibly talented at managing intimate relationships with other humans out of the womb (which most of us are not), plus the other person being incredibly talented at managing intimate relationships, plus both of you happening to be on the same mental wavelength (which is usually not the case IMO as humans tend to perceive/feel/process/analyze the world quite differently from one another). I think this can happen for some people, but I don't think it's likely. I don't think any individual should count on having this experience (even though many people are under the misconception that they just need to find "the right one" for them to magically become competent at relationships).
Usually, you have to go out and try your best, get hurt, and then learn from experience. IMO, for relationships with other humans, you can only learn and improve from experience because you need that interpersonal emotional feedback as reinforcement. No amount of research or introspection can replace that.
(Of course, you would improve from having real-life experience only if you want to improve--I'm sure we all know people who have been in many intimate relationships and never grow enough to be able to successfully manage them...)
I have had my share of painful intimate friendships and partnerships and I have learned a lot from all of those moments. I still don't feel like I am as competent in relationships as I want to be, but I know for a fact that I am better at it now than I was 1, 3, or 5 years into the past.
I think a couple more cool things are that:
(1) Humans are built to experience emotional turmoil and are generally capable of recovering from those experiences. I think, in the current day and age, we get a lot less time and practice with emotional processing than we used to decades ago, so being in therapy generally helps everyone a lot.
(2) The success of each relationship you have is generally determined by (a) how much you and the other person are willing to work on improving things for each other and (b) the skills that you both have in managing your relationships (such as being able to identify and communicate effectively about your own emotions/needs). If you and the other person are improving at (b) enough to not have the relationship fail due to skill issues, then to make it work, you just need to be motivated by (a). If the other person is not motivated enough by (a), it will kind of suck, but at least you know you should move on.
Thank you for reading! ❤️
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